I Am Definitely Alive

When Dawn rides the train, she gives her brain permission to go exploring. That sounds so relaxing.

My brain goes exploring all of the time. It doesn’t think it needs permission.

The thought of sitting back while my brain goes exploring—at least during daylight hours—is not an option for me. I spend my days wondering how to catch up with what’s happening on the information highway in my head. Like a curious three-year-old, my brain wants to be continuously engaged. I try to keep it occupied with worthwhile endeavors, but sometimes it plain wears me out. We take a nap.

Me give my brain permission? Not a chance. During daylight my brain has a mind of its own. It thinks what it wants.

It’s a rollercoaster, but I get a lot done. Multitasking is nothing when the brain is going at 80 miles an hour in first gear. I’m thinking of the next sixteen things I’m going to do while I pour my first cup of coffee. Some folks might call this “rattle and chase” stress. It’s the stress of a rodeo rider, of young love, of a champion off on a quest. It’s the perfect stress of taking on the world heart wide open, brain engaged. I call it life at full speed. It takes a certain amount of breathing, focus, and energy, but never too much—well, not usually too much.

And when the stars come out, the rewards are sweet. The carnival shuts down for the day. My brain cells are ready to quiet themselves and rest easy in my head. Okay so some days they’re flat out wasted from having thought themselves into a fizzle. Either way, my entire body gets a break, a chance to rest gently in the presence of the world. I don’t necessarily quit working, but the pace is slower, the lights are lower, and the sense of time expands to take in the whole universe.

Some nights, like tonight, I reintroduce my brain to my heart. All of me just kind of hangs out together and reacquaints itself with the quieter, introverted side of me. Grand ideas—peace, joy, and beauty—fill my thoughts. Now it’s no big deal to relax, waiting for morning to take in a sunrise or daydreaming under the night sky. It’s hard not to feel alive when you’re looking at the night sky. Imagine we’re made of stardust and you can’t help but feel good about the world.

I suppose it would be more relaxing, more efficient, if I could spread my energy more evenly over a day. Then again, I’ve never used either word to describe what it means to feel alive.

I am definitely alive.

—me strauss Letting me be