Friday, October 20, 2006

Change

I remember how I once felt about change. I couldn’t find enough ways. Change meant new beginnings, new days, new chances to grow and be more. Change meant living, being alive.

Change was a friend of mine, a pal and a confidant. It was natural, like curiosity. Change made sunny days unendingly interesting and starlit nights constantly new.

Change is a way of life. It’s a way of staying alive. It’s not just adapting. It’s reaching and grasping, and wandering through moments, each newly-made gemstone, a wild sighting of a dancing star being born, being made from the chaos around me. Change could pull me forward and hold me on a path that I did not need to see. It was direction. It was destiny. It was my goal and form. Change was not an idea. Change was part of me. Change was real, like bricks and mortar.

Then I heard myself say, “Sometimes a rut is a comfortable place to be.” I heard how easily I said those words and thought, Is it true? Is that what I believe? My answer was Yes I think so.

Change makes me weary and takes my feet off the ground. I’m finding the ground is a fine place to stand. People talk to me much more easily, when I’m not constantly moving around, when I'm not changing identities.

I never thought I might say that change is something I’d rather not take a part in.

These days new beginnings don’t seem new to me. They all look like ones that I’ve already gone after. Each new beginning means leaving investment behind, starting over again.

Beginnings are incredibly trying, trying to fit, trying to see, trying to show, trying to find a place while not taking up someone else’s spot, trying to say who I am, and reveal what is what.

I remember how I once felt about change. Now I can’t find many ways that it feels right. Am I afraid? Change means saying good-bye. Change means wondering if I will be lost in the shuffle again.

I thought Change was my friend, but it was more my chalkboard − something to entertain me, to keep me from being bored − a tool to figure who I am, who I want to be. Now I know, and I don't need to draw anymore.

I’ve changed how I think about change.

I don't want every new beginning to be the start of an ending.


−me strauss Letting me be

10 comments:

Tell No One said...

How does it feel to be where you're supposed to be? (even though we always are... :)
I'm very grateful you stand where you do.

I hope to change enough to find myself in a place where I can understand and want to stand awhile.


Katrina

ME Strauss said...

Oh Katrina,
Don't believe I'm anywhere near the end of my journey, that I have no problems, that I'm issue-free. I've got a long way to go yet, but the few small things I know. I've come to believe. That's the only difference. You don't yet believe what you know.

Dawn said...

I wonder if, as we mature, our need for change diminishes somewhat. To me that's not the same as living in a rut. It's more about finally being comfortable in my own skin and looking to grow internally instead of the external experiences of change.

ME Strauss said...

Hi Dawn,
I see a very nice rut burrowed in the sandy white beach somewhere. :) I do think that we need less change when we get older and agree that things move more internally. We're less about collecting memoreies and more about actually looking at them. :)

Janus Torrell said...

Change can be great but even when you change from good to better you always have to let something go no matter how slight, that makes change frightening. But like your picture shows with the leaves. The leaves of the tree must fall and die so that new green ones can be restored in the spring.

ME Strauss said...

Yeah, Janus, every new beginning leaves behind an ending. I hate that part. I've never been good at the goodbyes.

Debbie Call said...

Liz, I echo your sentiments about change. This morning as I was putting on my makeup, I looked down and realized that this is my last bottle of foundation. Clinque no longer makes it. I love it and don't want to have find another one. Part of me reprimanded me internally for not being open to change. The other part of me insisted that that loving what you have is not a crime. So why change it?

ME Strauss said...

Hi Debbie,
Thanks for your story. I know exactly what you mean. I was in that same place when one of favorite SIZEs of such a thing went away. Go figure.

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Cindi said...

Is it really a change in your need for change, or a shift in what change delivers to you?