Saturday, November 11, 2006

More than What Happens

Why did I hold onto my pain for so long? For decades I carried it with me. I look back now and every example seems so small. Why did I make those things so important? I didn’t wish harm to anyone. Did I feel I was nothing without them?

The bad things, the hurtful things were like banners and badges. In some ways, my responses to bad events were accomplishments. I thought of them as character-building experiences. I didn’t want revenge or glory, but I think I wanted someone to see . . . to see what? . . . to see what hurt me to help me understand. Yet somehow those events began to define me. The accomplishments and the events became the same things. Then they became part of me.

I still think that bad events can build character. I know that mine changed me, and now finally for the better. Then I thought living through the pain was the learning they had to offer. Now I know the real learning was when I could say I laid down the pain.

I blessed it, buried it, and walked away from it.

I still remember, but no longer define myself by it.

I am more than what happens to me.
−me strauss Letting me be

6 comments:

Dawn said...

The realization that you write about is one that I can't seem to hold onto. I have had moments when I know what you speak of, and I feel as if I've crossed some bridge of awareness. Then something shifts and I sink back into letting them define me. Maybe one of these days I can let it go for good.

ME Strauss said...

Hi Dawn,
It helps me to stay inside my body and keep pulling myself out of my head. The act of know where my sense are and what they're doing keeps me in the moment and away from contemplating the things that are ephereal and no real. I'll send you an mp3 that helped me.

Trée said...

"I am more than what happens to me."

So very true Liz. Where were you in my life about thirty years ago. :-)

ME Strauss said...

Hey Tree,
I wasn't the same same me by a long stretch. Gosh I've learned so much since then. :)

Tell No One said...

I understand exactly what you and Dawn are saying. I'm waiting and working towards the day that I can let the last shred of pain go without any current happening bringing back all the old memories. Letting go isn't letting go just one part is it? It's releasing everything.

Can't wait for that ship to set sail.

Katrina

ME Strauss said...

Hi Katrina
Letting go is like relaxing. It's letting the strain off your shoulders. It's no longer carrying the weight. You're right. Once you let go, you want to let go of everything. It feels so good be free.