Sunday, September 10, 2006

32 Years Wondering

I wrote this about vulnerability 32 years ago.

I wonder at times how I in my ways invite people to hurt me. Perhaps my unqualified open being is a statement of martyr-like qualities that I do not wish to acknowledge.

Or I could be a victim of a childlike faith in the goodness of humanity?

What if there is a hidden purpose (naturally, for the good all − like in some movie) and I am a carrier of some great disease meant to infect (at least affect) the hearts of all people?

Could it be that what I have assumed to be hurt is merely the feeling of strength received when one gains knowledge about one’s self?

Perhaps it's simple insanity. Some would say it is ultimate, arrogance on display.

It's thoughts on paper written down − my thoughts, my truth − then and now.

32 years later, I still wonder why I open myself up like this.

−me strauss Letting me be


Dawn said...

I think that there is no way to live fully and with authenticity, that is not also an invitation to be hurt by another. If we're lucky, we learn something about ourselves and maybe the other from being hurt. If not, we close ourselves off from the world and from ourselves. No growth. No true relationships.

Your post makes me wish I still had my early notebooks. There is so much to learn from them.

ME Strauss said...

Welcome to the dawn!
Your thoughts are always so clear. You hear what I say and you hear yourself too.

I think you are your early notebooks. . . . I'm sorry you can't look them as I can.

Anonymous said...

Hello ms Strauss,

I had asked myself too those kind of questions perhaps ( who didn´t ?).

Perhaps I am still doing ,but who knows me sense I was kid can hardly imagine me as a victim sense I always had been too rough and a fighter, so I couldn´t be a victim for them , maybe it doesn´t fit in my tipe, but who hadn´t been a victim at some moment? and the contrary too ?/ it is perhaps more difficult to say so.

Some philosopher told that the best way to cross life is not to hurt others and not to let others hurt us

And what about being victims of one ´s own self ?

Cristina Melo

*( Eduardo Lourenço, the name of the philosopher)

ME Strauss said...

Hi Christina,
I've been thinking a lot about victims since I new two in particular starting in the 90s. My question was how to tell a victim from a generous giver? I think now it's in the mind of the person and whether the person feels sorry for himself or herself and then feels owed by the world.

The real givers give freely and unconditionally. The victims don't. When I give freely, I'm much less likely to be hurt. That's my other secret. :)

Ruth said...

When you find out, please let us know :)

I wonder why I do 3/4 of the things I do.

ME Strauss said...

Hi Ruth,
I'm so enjoying your comments. :)
I'm doubting I'll find out, but if I do, I'll be sure to let you in on what I find out. :)

Katrina said...

Nice that you open up this way...In this way I can find the same words in my heart that I thought left me so alone..and still so young. Life is too long but so short. Makes me so sad to think about the whole, I'm having such a hard time accepting the nature of me and how I fit into It. Feels like I'm suffocating when I think of the vastness..The Before..The Now.. and the To Be of Life. Don't know why it hurts me so badly to say these things but my tears just won't stop falling. And I'm not sure if I cry because of sadness, joy or both. I have this deep sense of the Everything and it overwhelms me.

ME Strauss said...

You are many things I am sure, but alone is not one of them. I write what I do, because that's one thing that I know.

The more I write about what is inside and what I experience, think and feel, the more people tell me they have felt the same things.

I cry sometimes, often times when I write what you read. Sometimes I laugh to a the stories I tell.

In the sidebar you'll find one called "Walking on Water." I still cry when I read that one. It's still the one that I love the most of all. It's still the one I give to anyone that might feel overwhelmed.

Please email me if you want to talk Lizsun2 at gmail [dot] com